Cycle
by blerghy
Summary: It was a never-ending cycle. Kakashi would be thrown into a new life and meet Iruka, who wouldn’t remember him. But Kakashi would love him with all of his heart, unable to forget what they had. And no matter what Kakashi did, Iruka was always torn away.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Every time, Kakashi would lose him.

No matter what he did, their paths would always cross. But Iruka would never remember. It would be in a different place, different time, sometimes a different _world_. And Iruka had never seen Kakashi Hatake before. But Kakashi knew him. And Kakashi always, _always_ remembered. No matter how desperately he wished he could forget, he knew that he always would.

He remembered the beautiful brown eyes, and the warmth that had glowed in them that first time they met. Those eyes, that smile, were the only things that could melt the ice around his heart. But it wasn't always like that. Each time Kakashi met him, Iruka was different. Yet, somehow, he was always the same. Or perhaps it was simply that Kakashi always loved him with everything he had, no matter who Iruka had become.

Sometimes, Iruka would be happy, his eyes shining with the life that had first drawn Kakashi to him. In those times Kakashi would be happy as well, even if there was no room for him in Iruka's peaceful life. But other times… Kakashi swore what was left of his heart shattered into pieces.

No matter what, Kakashi was always there. Sometimes for years, sometimes only weeks. But every time, he would lose Iruka. And every time, Kakashi's heart would break.


	2. Collide: Part 1

Disclaimer: The Naruto universe does not belong to me. However, all my original (warped) ideas do. Fun, isn't it?

**Important Note:** 'Cycle' has been re-written. The old chapters have been scrapped (though they can still be viewed on my LiveJournal), and I do not intend to continue with them. I apologise to anyone who liked the old chapters better. The story was heading in a direction that I never intended it to go in, resulting in a complete lack of inspiration. Thus, the new 'Cycle' was born.

Collide: Part 1

The room was a little too warm for his liking; too many people shoved into too small a space. His pale fingers curled around his coffee cup, his head bowed over it as he stared into the brown liquid. He did not drink it. Next to him was the hustle and bustle of the city, people rushing about their business, their lives and his separated only by a thin pane of glass.

"I thought I might find you here," came a voice by his side. He did not look up.

In his peripheral vision, he could see the outline of a torso as the young man sat down opposite him, a tanned armed resting on the table. He did not need to look to know who it was.

"Hello," the young man said, somewhat more hesitantly. "Is it alright if I join you?" The question was met with silence. The young man had already done so, after all. "I'll take that as a yes. How have you been?"

"What are you doing here?" he replied, his voice slightly hoarse from lack of use. Still, he did not look up.

"I… I wanted to see you." Once again, silence. "Don't you want to see me?" The young man's voice held a hint of hurt.

He swirled his coffee around in its cup, outwardly disinterested. That was answer enough for the younger man. He could hear a slight hitch of breath, could practically feel the hurt radiating from the other side of the table. The young man stood stiffly, making to leave. He was walking away. One step, two steps, three…

"Wait." The young man paused, turning his head back slightly. Finally, forcing his eyes from the coffee cup, the seated man looked up at him. "Sit down, Iruka. Please."

"Why should I?" Iruka replied coldly, his posture tense. _You don't fool me, Iruka_. _You're hurt_.

"Please, Iruka," he said softly.

"You can't keep doing this." _I know._

"_Please_, Iruka," he repeated.

Iruka scrutinised him for a moment, biting at his lip, before finally giving a slight nod and seating himself again. _You're too trusting, Iruka. You shouldn't trust me._

"How's work?" he asked, removing his hands from his coffee cup.

"Fine."

"Eloquent."

"You're one to talk."

"Iruka…" he sighed.

"Look, I know I said I'd be patient. I've tried, really. But you're just so quiet all the time! You never tell me anything, Kakashi!" _I know. I'm sorry, love_.

"There's nothing to tell."

"Really? Then what are you doing here?"

"Getting coffee."

A sigh. "But why did you come, Kakashi?"

"For coffee."

"Kakashi…" Iruka sighed heavily.

"Yes?"

"You can't just come and go as you please, you know."

"I know."

"And you can't be so secretive all the time, then expect me not to be curious."

"I know. I won't be."

Iruka rubbed his temples. "Is that a promise?"

"It's a promise." Kakashi gave him a soft smile. _I love you, Iruka._

Iruka stood up, and Kakashi's hand had reached out to grab him before Kakashi realised what he was doing. Iruka raised a questioning eyebrow. "What are you waiting for? Come on!"

Realising that Iruka did not intend to abandon him, Kakashi stood as well, leaving his cold, untouched coffee on the table. Iruka linked their fingers together, smiling at him. He turned away before Kakashi had time to smile back.

As they walked up the street, Iruka told Kakashi about work. Kakashi listened in silence, smiling or frowning at the appropriate times. In spite of the crowded streets, their path was unhindered. Iruka never stopped to wonder why no one so much as brushed up against him, or got in his way for even a moment. _It's because of me_, Kakashi thought. _Can you really be so blind, Iruka?_

"Here we are!" Iruka declared triumphantly, smiling at him proudly. His brown eyes were bright with happiness. Kakashi looked away.

"Where's 'here'?" Kakashi asked, shoving one hand into his pocket as he turned, his shoulders adopting a rather awkward-looking slouch.

"Posture," Iruka scolded. _You'll always be a teacher at heart, won't you? _Kakashi felt a fond smile curve his lips as he straightened. "You said you liked open spaces. So here we are!"

"The botanical gardens? I thought you were still angry with me."

"I was. But I thought this would be nice," Iruka said, a sudden blush reddening his cheeks. "The gardens are always so lovely at this time of year. The flowers are in full bloom. If you don't like it, we can go, you know. I just thought… Never mind. It was a stupid idea."

Kakashi stopped his blabbering with a soft kiss. "_Now_ you're being stupid. Let's go in."

Iruka was right; the gardens were beautiful. Everything was peaceful, perfect. A soft wind tousled Kakashi's silvery hair. Iruka's hand was in his, warm and familiar. _How long will this last?_

Kakashi looked over, taking in the bright brown eyes, the slightly flushed face, the lingering smile. He watched as Iruka reached up to brush a stray brown lock from his face, gazing around him and up at the clear blue sky with an almost childish fascination. The brown eyes caught Kakashi's gaze, and a warm smile lit his face. Kakashi lowered his gaze. _How long do we have left?_

"Let's sit down," Iruka said, tugging Kakashi onto a small bench overlooking a pond. Kakashi obliged him, seating himself and looking out at the shimmering water. The trees swayed overhead, shading them from the sun. Iruka pressed himself against Kakashi's side, smiling contentedly as he lay his head on Kakashi's broad shoulder. After a brief pause, Kakashi's arm wound around him, holding him closer. Iruka's smile widened.

"You know you're too good for me," Kakashi murmured quietly. Iruka stiffened, but stayed quiet. "I can never give you what you need."

"How many times have we had this conversation, Kakashi?" Iruka said, pulling back to frown at him. "Stop being such a killjoy."

"Iruka…"

"Stop it." Iruka pulled away from his arm, taking Kakashi's face in his hands. "You're enough for me. I love you." If Iruka remembered, as Kakashi did, he would have known why Kakashi's single eye turned so achingly sad.

"And I love you. So much." _Too much_.

Iruka smiled and embraced him again. "Now stop talking nonsense and enjoy the day."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologise, 'Kashi."

"Sorry." Kakashi grinned as Iruka gave him an exasperated look, then rolled his eyes, muttering 'idiot' under his breath. The smile faded, and he tugged Iruka closer.

"I have work tomorrow," Iruka said after a time. "But I'd rather spend time with you." The statement was accompanied by a slight blush.

"Then don't go."

"I have to."

"Why?"

"Money, Kakashi. Money."

"Money's over-rated."

Iruka snorted, moving so that his head lay in Kakashi's lap, looking up at him. He took Kakashi's hand, playing with his pale fingers, rubbing his palm absent-mindedly. Kakashi smiled softly, stroking Iruka's forehead. _How do you do this to me?_

"You know, there are some positions vacant," Iruka said slowly.

"That's fascinating."

"I was thinking there might be some you'd be interested in."

"No thanks."

"Come on, at least think about it."

"I'm more of a drifter."

"I think you might like it, though. Being part of a team. I mean, I don't have the most interesting job in the world, but being a public servant isn't all bad. Good money. You should give it a try.

"Hey Iruka, roll over and put your mouth to better use."

Predictably, Iruka's face went red. "You're obsessed, Kakashi." He smacked him on the arm.

"Guilty as charged."

"You could at least _try_ to get a job. I don't know how you've gotten by. I haven't seen you do a single days' work in all the time I've known you. How do you survive as well as you do?"

"I have my ways."

"Can you give me a straight answer, just for once?"

"I'm a man of mystery. It's my birthright to be evasive."

"You're a pain."

"I try."

Iruka snorted, turning his head to look out at the pond, a hint of a smile on his face. Kakashi did the same, but his grey eye always drifted back to look at Iruka. If he still had the Sharingan, he would have opened it to memorise the moment. Iruka was at peace, his beautiful brown eyes staring out over the water, tanned skin glowing to Kakashi's eye. _Iruka…_

Iruka's eyes closed, smiling at the gentle breeze that caressed his smooth face. He was unscarred, here, though he wore his hair in the same pony tail that he had when Kakashi had first met him, so long ago. Lifetimes ago. Kakashi was never sure exactly how long, for time was irrelevant to him these days. It was unforgiving in its consistency, taking him around and around in the same, never-ending cycle.

"I wish this could go on forever," Iruka murmured. "Just you and me in a big garden of flowers. It would be romantic… though quite gay," he added with a laugh.

"I'd like that," Kakashi murmured. _If only_.


	3. Collide: Part 2

Disclaimer: Not mine.

A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed. Your feedback is very much appreciated. :)

Collide: Part 2

The light of the city streamed in through the open window, bringing with it the sound of heavy traffic, not too far away. The silver beauty of the moon was hidden by the height of the surrounding buildings. They shot straight up into the sky, all in an identical shade of grey, all the same shape and size. Cars came and went in the street below in a continuous stream, people going about their business through all the long hours of the night. The city would never truly be at rest.

Kakashi leant out the window, searching for a cool breeze. There wasn't one. He pulled his head back in and shut the window, locking it carefully. Iruka was adamant about the importance of locking windows and doors, even six storeys high in an apartment block. Unless an intruder had chakra, they would not be able to reach the window. But Kakashi didn't argue the matter.

He sat down on the couch and turned on the television, careful to keep the volume low. He stared blankly at the screen, its images incapable of holding his attention. The light from the television illuminated Kakashi's pale features, its blueness doing nothing to cheer the atmosphere of the living area. A small living room was joined to an even smaller kitchen, with two doors leading into the bedroom and bathroom.

Kakashi glanced over at the clock on the wall, just able to make out the numbers. 5:05am. He flicked off the television, standing and padding quietly to the door of the bedroom. He opened it and slipped inside, shutting it gently behind him. Climbing into bed and staring up at the ceiling, he listened to Iruka's steady breathing at his side. Iruka did not like to wake to an empty bed.

It was another two hours before Iruka stirred, yawning widely, sleepy brown eyes smiling at Kakashi.

"Good morning," Kakashi said.

"Morning." Another yawn, accompanied by a stretch. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah." Kakashi faked a yawn.

"It is Sunday, isn't it?" Iruka asked, relaxing further into the pillows at Kakashi's nod. "What do you wanna do today? Go out, or just stay in bed?" He ran his hand up Kakashi's side, a mischievous smile on his face.

"Why don't we see a movie?" Kakashi said, lacing his fingers behind his head. He did not meet Iruka's eyes.

There was a brief pause before Iruka responded. "Alright. What's on?"

"I don't know. I can look it up, if you like." Kakashi made to leave the bed, a gentle tug on his arm stopping him.

"In a minute." Iruka's eyes were still vaguely sleepy, but the loving tenderness in them shone so brightly that Kakashi turned his head away. _I don't deserve you_.

Another gentle tug and Iruka was in Kakashi's arms, the dark brown head resting on his chest. Iruka gave a contented sigh, his arms wrapped around Kakashi, his eyes closing. Unbidden, Kakashi's pale hand went up to stroke Iruka's hair. _Iruka…_

"I suppose we should get moving," Iruka said reluctantly.

"In a minute," Kakashi murmured into Iruka's hair.

For a few moments, there was nothing but the gentle sounds of their breathing. Iruka's body was draped comfortably over Kakashi's, his darkly tanned skin a sharp contrast to Kakashi's almost ghostly white. Iruka's breath was warm on his chest. _How long until I lose you?_

"Hey, Kakashi…" Iruka began, his voice still thick from sleep.

"Yes?"

"What is there for breakfast?"

"Why?"

"… Because I'm hungry?" There was a hint of laughter in Iruka's voice.

"Why ask me? It's your apartment."

"You spend most nights here!"

"Doesn't make it mine."

A sigh. "You know what? Never mind. You're too difficult to deal with this early in the morning." Still, Iruka made no move to pull away from him.

"I can cook something, if you like," Kakashi murmured.

"No, it's alright. But thank you."

After a moment, Iruka pulled away from him, stretching and running a hand through his messy brown hair. Kakashi climbed out of bed, heading into the kitchen. He had set the table by the time Iruka wandered out of the bedroom, still rumpled and sleepy.

"Thanks, Kakashi," Iruka said, smiling as he sat down. Kakashi shrugged, taking the only other available seat, preparing himself a bowl of cereal. He turned his head to look out the window.

"Aren't you hungry?" Iruka asked around a mouthful of cereal.

Kakashi shrugged again, but at Iruka's concerned look he picked up his spoon and took a few mouthfuls. He pushed his cereal around the bowl, watching it turn soggier and soggier. Kakashi wasn't overly fond of cereal.

"Well, I'm going to take a shower," Iruka said. He stood, placing his bowl in the sink. "Hurry up and eat your breakfast."

Kakashi nodded, taking another mouthful. It was bland and slimy. He waited until he heard the sound of running water, then stood up and headed to the sink, tipping his breakfast down the drain. Heading into the bedroom, he changed his clothes, running a hairbrush through his unruly hair. Glancing into the mirror, he saw the deadness of his blind left eye. Beneath the cover of a milky white sheen, his eye was a chilling blood red. Closing it, he covered it with an eye patch.

"Shall we head to the movies now?" Iruka asked as he entered the bedroom, towelling his hair dry.

Kakashi raised his eyebrows. "What about checking the times?"

"Doesn't matter. There's sure to be something on at this time of year." Iruka tossed his towel onto the floor, searching for a hair tie. Kakashi's pale fingers dangled one in front of his face. "Thanks. You ready to go?"

"Yeah."

"Alright then." Iruka pulled his hair into a pony tail, smiling at Kakashi in the mirror. "What are we waiting for?"

Kakashi followed Iruka out the front door, locking it behind him.

* * *

"Well, that was… interesting."

"You didn't like it?"

"It was a bit grim for my taste, to be honest. I prefer more cheerful movies," Iruka said.

"Fair enough."

Iruka took Kakashi's hand as they walked, smiling cheerfully. _Nothing gets you down for long, does it?_ Kakashi thought. He shoved his free hand into his pocket, his eye focused on the grey of the sidewalk.

"Not chick flicks, don't get me wrong," Iruka continued. "I just prefer to watch movies with happy endings. Still, it was nice. I'm glad we came."

"But you didn't enjoy the movie."

"I didn't say that! Just that it was a bit too grim for my liking. I like coming out with you." Iruka kissed him on the cheek, smiling at him. Kakashi turned his head away.

"Where'd we park?"

"Just over here, to my memory." Iruka led the way to his car, unlocking it and getting in. Kakashi hopped into the passenger seat.

They were silent as Iruka began to drive back to his apartment. Kakashi turned his head, staring out the window with his good eye. He could see the reflection of his eye patch, which Iruka had said made him look like 'a dishevelled pirate'. Iruka had laughed, then, low and familiar, even though Kakashi was a near stranger to him. He had not noticed the desperate longing in Kakashi's grey eye, had not realised that Kakashi knew him like the back of his hand. Iruka did not know what Kakashi had done.

"Damn it."

Kakashi turned. "Hmm?"

"_Another_ red light," Iruka huffed.

"Eager to get home?"

"Not really. But I can't say I enjoy sitting in traffic."

"One of the many perks of living in a big city." His tone was bordering on disdainful.

Iruka slumped back into his seat, glancing over at Kakashi. "Don't you like the city?"

"Not much."

"Then why'd you come?" _For you_.

"For work."

"… You don't have a job."

"Nope.

Iruka's attention snapped back to the lights as they turned green. "_Finally_," he muttered. He accelerated, his small car jumping ahead of the large truck that had previously blocked his view to the right. Everything seemed to slow. Kakashi's head turned to meet the sight of an oncoming car, speeding to get through the red light. Iruka's eyes widened, his mouth opening in shock. And then, with a screeching of metal, the two cars collided.


End file.
